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"రాధా రాధా.... మన్ బుజ్జిపండు మాటలు విన్నావా? చూడు రెండేళ్ళకే ఎంత చక్కగా మాట్లాడుతున్నాడో! నా తెలివితేటలన్నీ వీడికి వచ్చాయి" సంతోషంగా అన్నాడు రమేష్.
"అవును నిజమే. నా తెలివితేటలన్నీ నా దగ్గరే ఉన్నాయి" అన్నది రాధ."
"అవును నిజమే. నా తెలివితేటలన్నీ నా దగ్గరే ఉన్నాయి" అన్నది రాధ."
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"ఏమిటండీ.... suitcase నిండా బట్టలన్నీ సర్దుకుంటున్నారు. ఏదైనా campకి వెళ్తున్నారా?" అడిగింది లత భర్తని.
"Camp ఆ నా బొందా? Steel సామాన్లవాడిని నేను officeకి వెళ్ళగానే రమ్మన్నావుగా. అందుకె నాజాగ్రత్తలో నేనుండాలి" బయలుదేరాడు శ్రీధర్."
"Camp ఆ నా బొందా? Steel సామాన్లవాడిని నేను officeకి వెళ్ళగానే రమ్మన్నావుగా. అందుకె నాజాగ్రత్తలో నేనుండాలి" బయలుదేరాడు శ్రీధర్."
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Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Jennifer Gresham at Everyday Bright.
You feel like you’ve tried everything. You set something outside with the garbage, but find it back inside the house because your spouse couldn’t bear parting with it. Or you plead for help with clearing the clutter, only to have what was supposed to be a guest room transform into a storage area.
You crave a more minimalist home, but not at the expense of your marriage. You’ve resigned yourself that living with all that stuff is simply the price you pay for love.
Or maybe convincing them to part with it is easier than you think …
I’ve always loved my husband’s sentimental nature. I think it’s sweet he stored our hastily scrawled love notes and considers saving gifts from family an act of loyalty (yes, even the wind-up sushi and 4 foot long Spanish sword). Of course, he’s also kept early drawings of airplanes and his high school Letterman’s jacket.
I came to minimalism late in life and goodness knows I still have a long way to go. But as the girl who consigned her wedding gown, I thought I could help him see the benefit of reducing our material burden. I reminded him of all the clutter we never used, yet found ourselves trapped into keeping; I hinted at the money we could earn by selling those things on Craigslist. At times, I’m ashamed to admit, I called his reluctance silly.
Not surprisingly, those somewhat confrontational introductions to minimalism didn’t go well. The key wasn’t just being more delicate, though that certainly helped. As Chip and Dan Heath explain in their book Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard, to persuade your family or anyone else to embrace a new idea, you must appeal to both their minds and their hearts.
5 strategies to make minimalism a joint venture
1. Bring in an outside expert. Maybe this has happened to you: your spouse gives you some advice, about your job or your family, but you don’t believe it until someone else tells you the same thing. I don’t quite know why this happens, but this phenomena can complicate your family efforts with minimalism as well.
In the spirit of leveraging this built-in bias, I let my husband borrow my copy of Chris Guillebeau’s The Art of Nonconformity. I didn’t introduce it as a text on minimalism (it isn’t), just an inspiring read. Before I knew it, my husband was telling me how reducing our material footprint would give us more flexibility in everything from housing choices to travel plans.
Find a book on a subject your spouse already wants to read, but also speaks to the general principles of minimalism. For example, if your spouse loves sailing, try a true story about someone who sold all their belongings to sail around the world.
2. Create a purgatory for your stuff. For you, probably nothing’s quite as joyful as watching the garbage truck turn the corner with ten bags of your former possessions. But if your spouse is still on the fence, that scenario sounds more like a nightmare.
Decluttering in steps takes the edge off. In our case, we designated our garage as our “purgatory.” Anything that stayed there without being missed for more than 3 months could safely be removed. If someone really wanted it, the item could move back in.
If you’re short on storage space, try finding a “foster home” for your things. Maybe a friend needs a stereo or a frying pan–let him borrow yours until your spouse feels comfortable making it a gift. The point is to make the first decision reversible, which reduces the fear factor and allows the emotional side of the brain to ease into the decision (while still removing the item from the house).
3. Lead by example. I’m a modest person and have never been a fan of “I love me” walls boasting diplomas or awards. But the Outstanding Educator award I earned at the Air Force Academy is special–I actually cried when I won it. So when I decided to toss the bust and plaque, that got my husband’s attention.
Determine what truly motivates your spouse’s hoarding. Is it guilt, nostalgia, or just laziness? Demonstrate how your spouse might bypass those issues without making a big deal of it. In my case, I told him I realized I didn’t need the physical object to feel the pride it represented, which triggered my husband’s own revelation that clinging to his childhood memorabilia was likewise unrelated to the happy memories they held for him.
4. Be happy. I’m a lucky woman; making me happy seems to be one of my husband’s life goals. And without a doubt, eliminating items from our house makes me happy–for several minutes at least. Too often, however, I focused on everything we still had to sort and discard instead of celebrating our steady success.
Expressing the joy of less is the secret weapon in your efforts to share minimalism. You can approach it directly by putting your happiness into words, or you can demonstrate your improved mood in more subtle ways. For example, you could invite your spouse to an impromptu dance in the living room, explaining “Look at all this room!”
5. Believe. Addressing our extensive CD collection was the hardest for us. We admitted we almost always listened to music from our iPod. The problem was that we had hundreds of CDs that weren’t yet in our online library.
Although I initially volunteered to tackle the daunting project of converting the music, I never found the energy to begin. I suggested we either give away the discs and lose the uncataloged music, or resign ourselves to keeping the collection. To my surprise and delight, my husband provided the best alternative: he’d rip CDs every night as he surfed the internet.
I told him how proud I was of his initiative. “Don’t be too proud,” he warned. “All I’ve done is put them on the computer. We haven’t gotten rid of those CDs yet.” But with the stereo system already in purgatory and over 100 CDs captured, I felt good. I hugged him and said, “I believe in you.” And I do.
Take a cue from other change management programs, like Weight Watchers and Alcoholics Anonymous, and be that base of support for your spouse. Sometimes, having someone who believes in your ability to succeed can be inspirational enough to make it happen.
The challenge
At some point, you had an epiphany. Maybe when you had to move and you just couldn’t believe how many boxes your stuff required. Or maybe you woke up one day and said, “Enough is enough.” And once you knew what you wanted, or in this case didn’t want, you were eager to make it happen.
But you can’t convince someone else to have an epiphany. They have to come to it on their own. The more you push, the more resistance you create. Enticing your spouse to follow you to a happier life, not escape an unpleasant one, is the goal.
Remember how you felt when the two of you first met? You probably thought you could subsist on love alone. Here’s the secret: you can. You just have to remember how.
Now hurry. Go clean house.
A scientist by training and an optimist at heart, Jennifer Gresham helps you find the clarity and courage you need to transform your life at her blog Everyday Bright.
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Post written by Leo Babauta.
How do you find a balanced life when you’re overloaded with work?
How do you switch off work when you’re away from the office?
The answers to these very common questions are elusive. It’s never an easy thing. But once you do find this balance you’ll find enormous benefits: more enjoyment of life and better relationships and less stress and a better quality of life overall.
A reader recently asked:
“I’d love to hear advice on how people who work full-time jobs can still manage to attain a well-balanced life. Especially in roles that give you sales targets, monitor you, and can be very stressful. I know it’s best to switch off after working hours, but sometimes (as humans) it is tough.
In Hong Kong, part-time jobs don’t pay well here and are tough to find, and full-time jobs often require overtime and are very stressful (it’s the Hong Kong norm to squeeze out as much as you can from an employee). In this corporate jungle, a part-time would be a perfect job for me (say 9-3 everyday); however it’s very hard to find jobs like that – it’s just not how the job market here is in Asia.
So how does one keep their calm and be grounded and still make time & energy for family, friends, myself, hobbies, interests and let’s face it – sanity? How does one learn to ‘not keep goals’ when that is what is expected from 8:30 a.m.-6:30 p.m. 5 days a week? It’s tough to be 2 different people at work and outside of work.”
That’s a tough one. I should note that in many countries — including the U.S. — this is a common problem even if it’s not as pronounced as in Hong Kong (for example). We all face these problems whether we’re employees or self-employed or free-lancers or own our own businesses.
I’ve created a life where balance is intentionally built-in but it hasn’t always been that way. I’ve worked in the private sector (in the news industry) where they try to squeeze every bit out of employees and we were often asked to work longer hours without compensation. I’ve worked in demanding public service jobs where working into the night and weekend hours (again without more pay) were the norm. It wasn’t easy finding balance.
But don’t despair. Change is possible. These days I have created a life where I work less but on things I love. I make time for staying active and getting outside. I make time for playing with my kids and being alone with my wife. I find time alone for reading and walking and thinking. And as I do these things work isn’t always on my mind.
I have a few key tips that should help no matter what your work situation:
1. Set a time to shut off work. Working all day and night means you are nothing but your job. Your life belongs to your employer (or if you’re the employer then your life belongs to your employees or customers). Take ownership of your life — find variety and ways to burn off stress and find enjoyment in life! Start by setting a time each day when you shut off work. Whether that’s 5 p.m. or 5:30 or 6 or 7 or 9 p.m. Some of you can set it even earlier if you start earlier — say 4 p.m. or something like that. Set that time and make it happen. After that shut-off time you will not do work or check email or think about work.
2. Find something to immerse yourself in after work. What do you love doing besides work? Do you love to read or run or play sports or hang out with friends or play with your kids or build model ships or play games? If you don’t already have a passion then pick something that sounds fun and give it a try. It doesn’t have to be expensive — it could be as simple as hiking around your neighborhood or volunteering at a charity or helping friends with household projects. Schedule it as soon after work as possible. And while you’re doing it try to completely immerse yourself. Don’t think about work — only think about the after-work activity.
3. Learn to be mindful and present. It’s not easy to just switch your mind off work but it’s a skill you can learn over time. The way to learn this isn’t to try to block work from your mind — it’s to learn to bring your mind back to whatever you’re doing after work. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing: it could be household chores or exercise or talking with someone or taking a bath or eating. Whatever it is … that’s all you want to focus on. Your mind will inevitably slip into something else. That’s OK. Bring it back gently and without reprimand. Slowly with practice you will get better at being present. Which means your work won’t always be on your mind.
4. Take breaks at work. Not everyone will have this flexibility but it’s worth doing if you can manage it. Basically if you’re working for 8 or 10 hours you don’t want to do it non-stop. You need to find balance even at work. So at least once an hour get up and walk around. Get outside if you can and take a walk. Stretch and massage your shoulders and get your blood moving. Do some squats or pushups if you want to start getting fit. Talk to someone. Drink water. Eat fruits and vegetables. Your break just needs to be 5-10 minutes but it’s important.
5. Increase your skills while at work — to prepare for leaving work. If you are very skilled at what you do then you become worth more. In fact it’s often possible to quit your job and start your own business if you’re good enough. And it doesn’t take a lot of money to work for yourself — you can start a business with practically no money. I started mine while still working full time: my job funded my startup business. Even if you don’t go into business for yourself you’ll be worth more with a high skill level. So devote your work hours to learning and perfecting your work skills.
6. Find ways to increase your income while decreasing hours. As your skills increase your value increases. Slowly pick jobs or projects that earn more money per hour. This often means changing jobs but it might be a promotion or change in roles. It could mean starting your own business or becoming a consultant. If you already have your own business or work for yourself then you should slowly be picking jobs or business projects that pay more for every hour you spend working on them. By increasing income you can decrease hours and free up more time for yourself.
7. Learn that you are not defined by work. You can be happy without your job. Your value isn’t completely tied to your work. For example: I’m a writer but it’s not the only thing I am. I’m also a father and husband and know that those are my most important roles — not my role as a writer. I am more than that as well: I run and read and learn and help others and am constantly experimenting with life. I can do things other than my job and be fulfilled. So can you. And once you discover this you’ll free yourself to find a life outside of work. Then balance is simply a matter of logistics — you just need to make it happen by taking small steps.
Small steps is always the answer. You don’t need to be perfect at shutting off work or being present or pouring yourself into something after work. You just need to start doing it and in doing so you’ve already started down the road to balance.
