How to Trust Your Boyfriendfrom
Do you love him? Do you trust him?Trust is a key element in having a strong and lasting relationship with your boyfriend. Without trust, your relationship will slowly fall apart, as Frank Crane once made clear when he said that while "you may be deceived if you trust too much, [...] you will live in torment if you do not trust enough."
How do you regain trust that has slipped away because of little things that niggle you or cause you to feel he isn't as responsive or attentive as perhaps he ought to be? In this article, you'll have the chance to explore the ways in which you can learn to trust you boyfriend and move into another stage of your relationship.
1. Acknowledge why you don't trust your boyfriend. There can be a number of reasons, from not hearing from him, lack of contact, or something someone else said. Your own instinct tends to add its overlay of worry too, adding up things that may or may not be important. Some of the reasons why your trust may be tested include:
◦You have been privy to a recent revelation about him that casts suspicions on his trustworthiness
◦You have had an argument with him and it not only left you feeling sour but left many questions unanswered
◦You feel that he has betrayed your trust in him by something that he has done, said, or openly acknowledged to you
◦You feel that he is slipping away - he calls you less, he's not coming around to see you much, or he seems to be seeing other people without asking you along too
◦You have some other reason for not trusting him.
2. Take it slowly and calm yourself down. Paranoia over the fact that you don't trust him will can cause you to deepen your mistrust rather than to want to seek some valid answers. Whatever has happened to set off your suspicions, it's more than likely that you don't have the full story or perhaps you're not even seeing all the relevant events properly. Before you discard all trust, it is important to do some thinking, questioning, and following up, to get the story straight. Focus on what is at stake and the importance of the relationship, no matter how hard it may seem and no matter how tempting it is to prefer assuming a negative viewpoint of him.
3. Think about your past relationships. Have they ended in heartbreak, mistrust, and anger? If so, you may be primed to be suspicious about a subsequent boyfriend's motives. Having someone betray your trust hurts, and can carry on into your next relationship. If this is the case, talk to your boyfriend about your past relationship (or relationships) and tell him what happened and why it hurt you. Not only will doing this increase your trust in him, he will be able to understand what lies behind your paranoia. Depending on the type of guy he is, he may even be able to help you work through the challenge.
◦If you're stuck in an emotional situation where you don't feel that you're able to move past the hurt, this can be a good time to speak with a therapist or counselor in order to mend the wounds of any past relationship that might have caused you to feel paranoid or anxious about current relationships.
4. Talk to him about why you don't trust him. Use tact, but be honest with him. Guys prefer blatant honesty to constantly avoiding, embellishing, or twisting the subject. If you talk to him about it, not only will it make you feel better, but his trust in you will be likely t increase because he'll feel that, even though you don't trust him, you had to courage to come out and talk to him about it anyway. Whatever his response, your courage in speaking so clearly makes you a very good and honest person.
5. Go the extra mile to increase his trust in you. Be honest, caring, understanding, and trustworthy yourself, before asking someone to do the same. Don't gossip about him and don't be condescending or negative about him to other people; it will get back to him and will only make things harder for you to fix. Open up a little more yourself; this is especially important if you've been keeping your concerns and most intimate self from him.
◦Keep the line of communication open, and let him know what is going on in your life. You don't have to tell him about every time that you stub your toe, or what you ate for breakfast yesterday, but do tell him things. Tell him funny (or sad) stories about your past and encourage him to do the same.
6.Just because he looks doesn't mean he wandersLearn to let little things go. This step is one that is easily overlooked but is vital. Remember that there may be genuine, non-harmful, and even laugh-worthy reasons for why things have happened that caused you to mistrust him. What is important to a guy may not be what is important to a girl, and he may simply have thought nothing of it, while you're busy blowing it all out of proportion. A simple request to explain the situation will suffice in that case. Forgetfulness is a big one with many guys. It's unintentional but it can be infuriating. For example, maybe he just forgot to tell you that he was going out with his friends the same night you wanted to borrow his car. Maybe you didn't tell him, so there was no reason for him to even get that there was an issue; even if you did tell him, maybe it was when he was focused on doing something and he just didn't hear you properly. Whatever the reason, find it out from him before assuming it from within. You'll know whether or not the answers you're given ring true and you can work from there. If they do ring true, let go, let go, let go! Give him the benefit of the doubt and don't assume that he is cheating on you or even not telling you things.
◦Remember that your boyfriend is only human, and will forget things without meaning to. If it was important, remind him gently instead of cussing him out. If it wasn't important, let it go and remember that the little thing fall-outs that go un-blamed can prevent the enormous fight that would have resulted otherwise.
7. Hold yourself to the same standard before unleashing your anger. Have you always remembered absolutely everything? Do you always listen with absolute clarity? Do you like it when someone suggests that you're not to be trusted? It is important to be compassionate in a relationship and that includes placing yourself into the situation he's in before you approach it. At all times, remain calm and level-headed; shouting and berating any person does nothing to change the situation and can simply deepen the problems.
8. Take the time to create a firm and lasting bond with your boyfriend. Go on fun and romantic dates with each other, engage in activities outside of the bedroom, and don't be serious all of the time. Happier relationships are ones in which there is a lot of room to move, a lot of laughter, and a great deal of trust. In fact, the more trust, often the tighter the bond you'll create. The less trust, the more likely your relationship will end up laden with suspicion and dysfunctional behaviors. Embrace your inner (and more trusting) child, recognize the little, sweet things in life, and help your boyfriend to do the same:
◦Go to the park and have him push you on the swings.
◦Have a pillow or tickle fight.
◦Go to a restaurant and share a plate or a drink with each other.
◦Visit a zoo and have fun looking at all the animals.
◦Tease him, ever so gently, and let him tease you back. Couples that can handle teasing one another in a fun, kind way, tend to be couples that can handle each other's criticism and enjoy each other's love.
9. Learn the art of small talk. Sometimes telling each other "I love you, I love you, I love you, coochy coo" becomes a little too demanding and one-way. And too many deep and meaningfuls can make each of you resent hanging around each other for fear of when the "next big crisis" is about to crop up. Brighten up your time together by indulging in small talk as a way of filling in the moments where you're just spending time together in each other's company, without expecting anything of one another.
10. Last but not least, realize what you gain by loving in trust. While trust does expose us to the potential of another person's betrayal, the opposite is worse – to never trust a person and to never learn what it feels like to have that trust reciprocated and blossom would be unthinkable. Acknowledge that trust encompasses fear of being hurt and yet understand that not being trustful will end up harming your happiness, rather than guarding it. And trust can protect your health; research has shown that people with greater trust are healthier and more humorous! Realize that trust doesn't only let go of the other person, it also lets go of you, opening yourself to the possibilities that this time, you have connected with someone who will reciprocate the trust you've placed in him.
◦And if you're still unconvinced, keep in mind these lovely words from Dick Sutphen:
"Love me without fear,
Trust me without questioning,
Need me without demanding,
Want me without restrictions,
Accept me without change,
Desire me without inhibitions,
For a love so free...
Will never fly away."
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Many people have so many things they want to change about their lives they don’t know where to start.
It’s overwhelming: you might smoke and eat junk food and need to exercise and want to be more productive and eliminate debt and start doing work you love and simplify your life to find time for your family and find things to be passionate about …
Where do you start?
It’s doable — this is where I was five years ago. One by one I changed my habits:
- I quit smoking.
- Started running (eventually did a few marathons).
- Started eating healthier (I eat a whole-food vegan diet now).
- Started eliminating my debt and saving money (I’m debt-free now).
- Started simplifying my life.
- Found work I love doing.
- Started waking earlier and becoming more productive.
The list goes on. I’m not trying to brag but to show it’s possible. I did all this with six kids and three jobs (with tons of help from my wife Eva of course).
Many of you might be in a desperate place like I was. A reader named Craig recently wrote:
“The last 5-7 years have just been complete hell for me mentally, physically, and financially. Prior to then I was a confident young man who was able to do anything that he put his mind to. I’m not sure exactly how everything just seemed to go down hill for me, but now I have all but lost my self confidence, I suffer from stress and anxiety, I am probably about 30-40 lbs overweight, I’m a pack a day smoker, and to be honest I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror these days.”
“Every morning I wake up with butterflies in my stomach because it’s almost like I’m afraid to even face the day. I often sleep too late and I just all around feel like crap in the morning. I have tried all kinds of different things to try to fix this issue but nothing has worked. I just wish I could start my day off on a better note.”
He then asked the key question: “How were you able to kick start your life back in 2005 and begin your journey to a better more productive life? How are you able to get up in the morning, jump out if bed, and start your day on a positive note?”
In 2005 I was in a bad place in my life with so many changes I needed to make that it was utterly overwhelming and discouraging.
Then I made one of the smartest decisions of my life (aside from marrying Eva):
I chose just one habit.
The other habits would come later. Starting with just one habit accomplished four important things:
- It became much more manageable. One habit is doable — 15 habits are too hard.
- It gave me focus. I could pour all my energies into one thing. When you have too many habits you’re trying to change it diffuses your energies and you most often fail.
- It taught me how to change habits — and then I could apply that knowledge to the next habit change.
- It allowed me to succeed and then use that energy and enthusiasm to succeed at the next thing.
Every single one of these is incredibly important. I won’t go into much depth for the first three things because I feel they’re self-evident. But the last one is so important that it deserves a little discussion (see below).
Which Habit to Choose
I started with quitting smoking because it seemed the most urgent to me. Looking back it was also the hardest habit to quit. I might recommend an easier habit to get started with.
But the truth is it doesn’t matter much. If you have 15 habits you want to change and they all seem important then just pick one randomly.
Here’s the thing: in the long scheme it doesn’t matter a lick which one you started with. Five years from now you’re going to look back on all the habits you’ve changed and the order you started with won’t make a difference. Right now it seems to matter but you’re not in this for just this month — you’re in this for life.
Pick one. Any one. I’d suggest an easy one. The important thing isn’t that you choose the right habit but that you start.
Spiral of Success
Picking one habit allows you to succeed and build on that success. That’s more important than you might think if you haven’t done that before.
I read a book by Bill Gates in the 90s where he talked about his “Spiral of Success”. He built MS-DOS and that succeeded so he leveraged that success for MS-Word and then Windows and then Windows 95 and then Excel and Office and Internet Explorer and so on (the order might be wrong here but that’s not important).
Now I’m not a big Bill Gates fan. But the concept is true not only in business but in anything you do: your success with one habit will make you feel great. You’ll be so excited by that you’ll want to try another. If you focus on just one habit you’ll succeed at that too and you can then build on that and so on.
Soon you’ll be rocking the world and people will ask you how you did it. You don’t have to mention my name but you should mention Bill Gates’ name — credit where it’s due.